There’s something interesting that can happen when we’re completely confident in what we want to say, until we find ourselves sitting opposite someone considerably more senior than us.
Suddenly, the language changes.
“I might be wrong, but…”
“I was just wondering whether…”
“Obviously, you know far more about this than I do…”
Sometimes we spend so long softening what we’re about to say that, by the time we eventually say it, we’ve almost talked ourselves out of our own opinion.
I find this fascinating because it isn’t necessarily a confidence problem. You can be extremely experienced, know your subject inside out and feel perfectly comfortable expressing an opinion with your own team. Put that same person into a room with a CEO, board member or somebody several levels above them and something can shift.
And it isn’t only the words.
Our voices can change too. We might speed up, become quieter, pitch our voice slightly higher or suddenly start filling every silence. We might smile or laugh at moments that aren’t particularly funny, simply because we’re trying to take some of the tension out of the conversation.
The body gets involved as well. We make ourselves a little smaller. We lose eye contact. We lean forward as though we’re asking permission for the point we’re making.
This is one of the reasons I’m so interested in the relationship between voice, body and communication. We can spend hours preparing what we want to say, but the moment there’s pressure, the body can tell a completely different story.
Disagreeing doesn’t have to mean confrontation
I think one of the difficulties is that many of us associate being direct with being difficult.
We don’t want to appear argumentative. We certainly don’t want to sound arrogant,
and when the other person has considerably more authority than us, there can be a very understandable temptation to make our disagreement as palatable as possible.
There’s a huge amount of space between being deferential and being aggressive.
“I see it differently, and here’s why.”
“I understand the thinking behind that. My concern is…”
“I’d like to challenge that assumption.”
None of those sentences is rude. In fact, they’re remarkably ordinary sentences. What makes them feel significant is often who we’re saying them to.
This is where delivery becomes so important. The same sentence can sound defensive, apologetic, confrontational or thoughtful depending on what your voice and body are doing when you say it.
You can challenge somebody and still sound warm. You can hold your ground without raising your voice. You can disagree and remain genuinely curious about the other person’s perspective.
You don’t need to remove the nerves
I don’t think the goal should be to reach a point where speaking to somebody senior feels exactly the same as chatting to a colleague you’ve known for ten years. Hierarchy exists. Some conversations carry more weight than others, and sometimes we’re nervous because the outcome genuinely matters to us.
The interesting question is what we do with those nerves.
Rather than trying desperately to hide them, I’m much more interested in helping someone remain physically and vocally grounded enough that the nerves don’t start making their decisions for them, because once that happens, we often stop communicating the way we normally would. We say yes when we mean no. We abandon a point too quickly. We add caveats we don’t believe. Or we leave the meeting thinking, Why didn’t I just say what I actually thought?
Seniority shouldn’t make your expertise disappear
If you’ve been invited into the conversation, there’s a reason you’re there.
That doesn’t mean you need to prove yourself by dominating the discussion or stubbornly defending every opinion you have. Being willing to listen, reconsider and occasionally say, “Actually, you’re right. I hadn’t thought about it that way,” is part of strong communication too.
There’s a difference between changing your mind because you’ve heard a better argument and changing your behaviour because you’ve become intimidated by somebody’s job title.
For me, that’s where executive presence becomes interesting. It isn’t about pretending hierarchy doesn’t affect you or walking into every room determined to be the most confident person in it.
It’s being able to remain recognisably yourself when the stakes go up.
To listen. To think. To challenge when necessary. To change your mind when appropriate, and to express what you genuinely believe without apologising for having an opinion in the first place.
Perhaps before your next conversation with somebody more senior, the question isn’t only, “What do I want to say?”
It might also be worth asking:
“What happens to me when they disagree?”
Lisa Sheerin, ICF PCC Executive Coach | Transforming Confidence, Communication & Leadership
Lisa works as an executive public speaking coach, actor, and group fitness instructor with over 20 years of experience. A graduate of a three-year drama school program in London, she began her career in theatre and film, where she faced and overcame imposter syndrome. Today, she empowers others to embrace their authenticity and transform self-doubt into confidence, combining her acting expertise, fitness training, and passion for personal growth. Her mission is to guide others toward a life where they can speak and live proudly.
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